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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
I like staying up insanely late but I also like getting 12 hours of sleep. See my dilemma?
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)