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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
I`ve decided to go my own way and think "inside the box" to be different ... Wow its dark in here!
I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
So much to do and so few alibis.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.