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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?