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A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Why is it called Boob Sweat and not Humiditties?
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
My own personal hell sounds great, actually