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Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
It’s a status….not your diary…