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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
Iām beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
As an adult, Iām not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
Yeah I`m married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT`S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone