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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.