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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.