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To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!