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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.