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Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.