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Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia and you`ll see a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I`m not positive I am thinking.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.