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Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.