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My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"