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I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"