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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.