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Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
LOOK A UFO! Quick, grab the worst camera money can buy.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.