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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.