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I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.