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Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
I’m at the age where all my posts start with the phrase “I’m at the age where.”
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.