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I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
Akward Moment Is When Your Twin Sister Calls You Ugly(:
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
I may have let you down, but it`s your fault for having such high hopes.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things