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I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.