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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I hope this snowstorm doesn`t impact my schedule of aimlessly wasting my day online.....
Iām home alone. Time to start my concert.
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.