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Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
Akward Moment Is When Your Twin Sister Calls You Ugly(:
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.