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Testing.. Testing.. This is a test. If this were an actual ploy for attention.. I would`ve said "bacon" or "boobies."
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
Damn…I’m having an out of money experience.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.