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30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment"
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.