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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?