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I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.