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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.