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The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?