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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
Youth is wasted on the young.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.