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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
i hate it when other people hate the person i hate!!!
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired