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Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.