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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.