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I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
Will be drunk until further notice.
Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
I`m not saying we should kill all the incompetent people. I`m simply suggesting we remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.