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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?