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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.