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2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
So far, I am 100% at believing what happened next on Facebook links.
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.