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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
This town is about as exciting as watching an M&M melt in the sun.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.