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I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
"I get knocked down, but I get up again, You`re never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
Since my ear surgery I haven`t heard from my doctor. Not sure if that`s a good thing or not.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.