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I propose we change the names of the upper case P and lower case p to "P standing up" and "p sitting down."
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
So can we just skip to summer now?
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.