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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
If a woman shaves her legs for you, at least every other day, in the Winter time, it`s Love.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
love me or leave me,,HEY!!! where is everybody going?
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.