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I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.