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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
No pants are the best pants.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"