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They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"
Sweating is for people who do stuff.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.