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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
and alcohol are now friends.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.