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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
So I´ve narrowed it down and I´m either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.