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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
Don`t act like your not impressed.
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.