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Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?