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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.