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i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands