Daily Silly Status

I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.

So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart a$$.

I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.

I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case

The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one

Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."

I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.

Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"

No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.

I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.

Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.

Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life