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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?