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Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I`ll let you know
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
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I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.