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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.