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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Real friends show me their boobs
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."