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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Jimmy is short for James? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. Do they even know what short means?
Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.