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Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
I have a black belt in leather
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.