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“I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
take me drunk i`m home
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.