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Does the Food Network deliver?
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.