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The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
Little to no thought was put into this status.
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman