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"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.