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My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
Sรถ รฎ hรจรฃrd รฟรดu lรฌkรช gรนรฟลก with รกcรงeรฑts?
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
I was so angry when I found my wifeโs profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isnโt โfun to be around.โ
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume thereโs an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
Do angry people know about naps?
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!