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Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.