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Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
Girls just wanna have funds.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.