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I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
Youth is wasted on the young.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.