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When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
Do bees even have knees?
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.