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Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.