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Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...