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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
I grew up for this?
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.