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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine`s day. Just an FYI.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.