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I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
I prefer to call it a β€œTa-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
Whenever someone says β€œI’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is β€œI know where you can buy drugs"
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.