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I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.