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The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Mondays should start at noon.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.