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Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.