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Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.