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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.