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If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.