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Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.