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I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
It`s the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.