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Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down