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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
I think the next Star Wars movie should go Country! I would be excited to see Garth Vader.........
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
So can we just skip to summer now?
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."