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A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.