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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
More funny statuses will be posted here soon
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.