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I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
I`m going to hell in every religion!
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight