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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.