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Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.