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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.