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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.