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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.