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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?