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The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
everyone has that one crazy person in there family...but in my case everyone is just as crazy as i am!XD
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!