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Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
make little things count. teach midgets math.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.