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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
BEER! The official sponsor of hot days!
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
Hey Ladies..Prince charming is Gay and living with Mr. Right
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.