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Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
Word for the day is asstard
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.