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First fart at my new job.
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.