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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.