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Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.