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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?
One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.