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The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.