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Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"