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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.