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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.