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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
Guess what I saw today ... Everything I looked at. ;)
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
You know that old saying? If you seen one woman naked. You want to see all women naked.