Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
FANNNN...DANNNNN....GOOOOO. Breathe The A`s.
I’ve thought about it, and there still is no good reason for me to grow up.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?