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I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today