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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO