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My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
"Mary had a little lamb. That`s had." - the wolf
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
I suspects that whoever named that Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajokull) must have fallen asleep on their keyboard while thinking it up.
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
You should NEVER say and I mean NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment.. :|
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?