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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I`m not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn`t ask my parents.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.