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Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.