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Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
So can we just skip to summer now?
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon