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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.