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Somedays I could do without the life lesson
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.