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In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.