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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.