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You`re uglier than..... well, you`re the example.
Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough