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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
All I`m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us. But, whatever, be that way.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.